I don't know what to write.

I bought a book called “How to change your life in Seven Days”, well four weeks afterward, the book is under my laptop and my life is still the same and I have £7.99 less.

That is amazing how we can spend money on things that we will never use. I mean, I don’t need to be cleaver for that. However I do always the same, I bought auto-self book and think well my life will be changed automatically. So far the first thing is to read the book.

So long I buy those books I start to read it, few pages later I am upset because “someone else” is trying to tell me his life is perfect , better than mine, you must follow me!!!  I hate that.

With the time I learned that the only auto-self that those books make is for the author. Because a lot of desperate people like me are buying it, then he (the author) is making money.

That point made me think about nothing and all.

But the last week I spent the hold week into the Soho, because one of my friends was here on Holidays. Been in Soho the hold week was remembered of the last summer, before my life change without auto-self book.

We saw the same people every single night, doing the same things: I mean drink, drink, still drink and hutting.  I don’t know why, but every time that I am going out in pub, club or wherever, I start to look them and create like small analysis of them. Believe me!!! in Soho you can have done five or ten anthropology books about the gay life.

The point is that while I did their analysis I did not know but at the same time I did my own analysis about how changed my life in the last eleven months.

Maybe that is the matter when you are drinking 10 gin tonics per night, seven days at week.

You have time to think.

The last summer I was single, I am engaged now.

The last summer I was working as waitress, I am Operations Manger now,

The last summer I was living in the East, I am living in the West now.

The last summer I was sharing house with ten people, I am sharing only with my Boyfriend now.

The last summer I didn’t speak good English, I don’t yet.

The last summer I was one of them, I was the kind of guy who was already for hutting every single night into every single place.

Yes I was, but the life changes for better or simply changes. I cannot say that I am missing that kind of life; however I am still missing something to have friend in this city. That is true I don’t why but here the people are gone quickly, before you finish your first Gin Tonic, they are gone.  Gone like my ideas. Because I think that this post is the worst post that I did before.

I mean, I don’t why I am writing, maybe because I need it... I will let you know maybe someday. 

Raymond

SEX-CRETS

I couldn't sleep few nights ago. Then I decided to have a cup of tea and someone cigarette.  While I did that (obvious the worst thing if you want to sleep). I saw my neighbor jerking off. He was into his sex fantasy at toilet. (Going up and going down) So, how I could say no? It was free porn, so I decided to have fun watching his sport.

So long he was enjoying himself, I had been thinking about his fantasy, also what and why he was playing with him and his girlfriend was sleeping and their bed.

Well made my own theory. That night his sister in law was into his apartment. Maybe she was spending a few days. She makes him horny, and then he cannot have sex with her so he had to enjoy her into his toilet and mind.

That view was enough I didn't want to see him achieves to his orgasm, however I started to think about it. Talking about our secrets or better to say our SEX-CRETS.  Do you have sex-crets? Do I have sex-crets? Come on all of us have sex-crets.

You can have one sex-crets every day when you are into the central line and you are watching this hot guys into their suits going to “The city”... well Yes I am wrong, that isn't sex-crets that is sex fantasy or to have a HOT-MIND. Wherever!!! You know what it means.

Yes every day and every moment we can think about our sex-crets. We are sharing that sometimes and sometimes not. Why? Good question, perhaps because it means to say more politically incorrect or maybe because we don’t someone else enjoys that as we do alone.

Like my neighbor did. He had a dilemma or “moral dilemma”. His hot sister in law makes him too horny, however he cannot touch her (not because is his sister in law, because he doesn't want to become infidel) I guess so.

That is the point we are in the same place every day, and then we have to choose if we want to have sex-crets. Some of us choose that his fantasy become real, then he or she loosed their sex-crets. Because they cannot have more this fantasy they got it!!!

There is a slim line between fantasy and reality or between secrets and life. Because in the end all of us have secrets, secrets that is better don’t talk about it, because secret means that you a little space for yourself. And talking to about space for myself, I know I have to look for more time to write onto this my little space for myself.

“I will share some secret with all of yours, some nights I wake up and while I am writing on my laptop. I try to be looking by the windows because you never know when you could have free amateur porn”.

I took off the word "Success".

Who am I? Who Will I? And who was I?

These 3 questions are coming with me the last 4 days. I don't know why and to be honest, aren't good company.

Who am I?

I don't know if I am. Perhaps I am, that is all. Isn't it?

Well, that isn't all, always there is more.

Taking off all stuffs that make me happy, I try to be honest with myself.

And the following question is:

Am I happy? or better to say Do I? Because with time knew that isn't the same, to be happy what to do happiness. You can be happy of course but do you practice that happiness.

I have lot things to be happy, I have a job, a great BF, my houses, I am establishing my life in UK... then I have to be happy. Have I? Must I? or Am I?

A lot of questions, I will choose I am happy. Simply, that is.

Then I am a happy person who is making his new Life.

Who Will Me?

I know who I want to become, the question will I do?

Since I was a little boy knew what I wanted to become, far enough, sometimes I am too far and sometimes I was to close. Maybe I am in the middle no-where.

(I have to stop about that. because having my coffee I had a gift, the waiter gave a card with his number to some customer, then give me a story).

They are not using GRINDR, Really? I cannot believe that... or too sweet, giving card whit his telephone number made by his hands!!!!! Love stories are coming, well or sex stories, I don't care.

The customer is gone, by the moment. I look the waiter, I can look his happiness, maybe he is waiting to have sms or maybe he wrote when he will be free, I couldn't read enough to know more.

This story per accident makes me thing about that I was.

I was the kind of person that only is thinking in the Success; maybe that is why I am in a mad mod sometimes.

Because what means success?

Or what is success for us?

I don't want to think about that, and then I decide to take off the word success of my vocabulary!!!!

Better to try to be, because I was and I will be.

(Meanwhile I am on my why I saw the waiter texting someone else, maybe they will have a first date, or maybe they will have a quickly sex-time) I would ask him if I wanted to know by the moment that is enough).